


Counting

by Cardgamesonmotorcycles



Category: No. 6 - All Media Types
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-26
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-02 17:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1059527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cardgamesonmotorcycles/pseuds/Cardgamesonmotorcycles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'll remember forever now. There's no way I can forget. NezuShi. Shion-centric set after last episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was debating whether to upload this because it's pretty OOC and unrealistic but I wanted to write angsty stuff and this happened.
> 
> Warnings- Mentions of self harm, nothing explicit/graphic

"I'm sorry, Nezumi." I whisper before committing my nightly ritual.

I don't know when the idea struck me, not the first night without him. Maybe a week or so after.

It was just so hard. So difficult being without him.

I spent four years of my life longing to see him again. Now he'd been snatched away.

I exhale deeply, trying to control my shaking breath.

I don't remember any details of the first time. Except rain. I remember the rain. Pounding on the glass of my window, pummeling the streets and washing away the scent of him on my clothes. That was the hardest part. A couple of weeks had gone since I'd returned and I had refused to change or wash my clothes. They smelt of him. Of dust and books and damp and watery soup. Of memories. Of a small room underground. Of the mice.

The rain had caught me off guard. I was drenched before I had a chance to find shelter. I ran home and hung my clothes to dry frantically. Praying the scent would remain. Praying I could have a part of him still with me.

But they dried, and the smell faded.

I cried. Bitter salty tears.

The clothes became damp again.

That's when I got the idea.

I just hated everything. I hated him for leaving, I hated myself for hating him.

He said he'd come back. That was my mantra. I sat, curled into a ball on my bed, rocking backwards and forwards slowly. Repeating it. He's coming back. He's coming back. He's coming back.

It didn't help much.

I was scared I'd forget him. Forget how long it had been.

So I did it.

One for each day without him.

Scratched deep into my arm with a piece of shattered mirror.

I'm beginning to run out of room now.

Tomorrow I think I'll have to start on my other arm.

I run my fingers over the damaged skin. Counting.

One cut, one day, two cut, two days.

I count up to forty before I give up, not even halfway down my arm.

I might have to start on my legs once my others arm's full.

Somehow it makes me smile.

I'll remember forever now.

There's no way I can forget.

It's etched deep into my skin.

"Nezumi, I'm sorry."


	2. Chapter 2

He didn’t return the way I’d expected. He didn’t climb through my open bedroom window and greet me when I got home with a smirk and a ‘Sorry for the wait, Your Majesty’. He didn’t leave warning with one of his mechanical mice or do anything to tell me he might be coming back.

He just knocked on the door.

It wasn’t even me who saw him first. It was Mom.

I remember sitting in my room feeling empty inside, two years without someone does that to you.

I heard something smash, it sounded like a plate but I discovered later that it had been a mug of tea. I remember I walked to the bottom of the stairs to check if she was okay. She yelled my name just as I entered the bakery, her voice filled with both joy and surprise.

I saw her first, she was crying and there was tea all over her apron. Her hand was over her mouth and she was smiling widely. I remember she whispered my name with such emotion before giving me a tight hug. She disappeared without another word, wiping her eyes with her sleeve and still smiling.

I remember realising the door was open and turning. Painfully slowly.

I remember grey eyes.

Steely and cold but filled with the same whirl of emotions as before.

But something had changed, something was different.

The pain that had always clouded his eyes was gone, now they were softer and warmer.

I remember him saying my name with such affection.

Then I don’t remember.

They said I fainted, from the shock. Apparently my knees crumpled like a rag dolls.

I like to think he caught me before he hit the ground.

Knowing him, he probably did.

* * *

 

I woke up in my room, lying on the bed facing the ceiling. My head felt fuzzy and I had a strange feeling that something major had happened.

“So you’re finally awake, Your Majesty.” A voice spoke from my side and I sat up quickly.

Too quickly.

My head span and I reached out blindly for something to steady myself on.

A pair of warm hands carefully propped me up on the headboard.

Familiar hands.

I turned to look at him.

He was sat on a chair next to my bed, wearing a concerned smile.

I realised with shock that he still wore exactly the same clothes as when I had last seen him. Bullet-holes and all. All that was missing was the leather jacket I had left in the correctional facility.

I let out a shaky breath and stared at him.

He smiled softly and leant forwards to stroke the snake scar on my cheek, as he had so long ago. “I’m back.”

That was when I cried. The hot tears flowed down my cheeks freely to dampen my cardigan. My chest was tight and I couldn’t breathe, I tried to say his name, but all that left my mouth were choked noises. He just watched me for a moment, grey eyes staring at me as I shook violently under the weight of my pain.

“Ne-“ I paused and let out a wet gulp, “zumi.”

That seemed to be enough.

He wrapped his arms tight around me, hand running through my white hair soothingly. My sobs were so loud that it took me a minute to realise he was singing.

The same song from the trucks. The song he had used to give the people hope.

It just made me cry harder. Clinging onto his shirt, terrified that if I let go he’d disappear.

* * *

 

Later he said I’d cried myself to sleep.

I remember waking up and him being there. I don’t remember him climbing into my bed and lying behind me, wrapping strong arms around me as I slept.

“What did I tell you about not wasting your tears on others?” The familiar line brought everything back with a crash. The amusement and fondness in his voice made my chest hurt.

I turned around slowly, still not believing he had returned, despite his vow.

His playful smile and warm eyes met mine and I swallowed hard against a new wave of tears. “You came back.”

“I made a promise.” He replied, voice kept low to match my almost reverential whisper.

I smiled weakly, noting the way his expression relaxed as I reached forwards to touch a warm cheek. My smile grew huge on my face, hurting my cheeks as a disbelieving, overjoyed laugh began to bubble in my stomach. It spilled out of my mouth as breathy, hysterical chuckles. My expression must have been manic, but he just began to laugh too, one hand tracing the snake on my neck gently.

“Nezumi!” I practically howled, throwing myself into his arms to laugh and cry joyfully into his shoulder.

* * *

 

I clung to him like a monkey for the first week, barely leaving his side and touching him whenever possible. I’d grip his hand during meals, refusing to let go even as he struggled to eat one handed. He never complained though.

Even when he woke up one night to find me, shaking and clinging to his side, muttering his name over and over and over.

Grey eyes turned dark with pain and he pulled me in closer, resting my head on his chest so I could hear his heartbeat. Humming into my hair until the exhaustion and stress sent me into a deep sleep.

* * *

 

He didn’t notice there was anything wrong at first. Or he didn’t seem to.

I hated keeping it from him.

He seemed to find it strange that I changed clothes in the bathroom.

It wasn’t until a month later, in the heat of summer, that he finally asked.

* * *

 

We were lying in bed, not talking, just enjoying each other’s presence. It was warm, stupidly warm, and I was sweating in my long sleeved top and long bottoms.

Nezumi had no such problem, having removed his top earlier, complaining of the heat. He’d teased me for staring and I’d blushed, refusing to meet his eye until he tilted my head up and planted a gentle kiss on my cheek.

“Aren’t you warm?”

“Not really.” A casual answer, but my mind was spinning and I felt sick.

“You’re sweating, don’t you have shorts or something you could put on?”

I shook my head, nothing he could say would make me remove my clothing in front of him, the healed wounds on my legs were still obvious, the ones on my thighs painfully so.

Nezumi just rolled his eyes and shifted onto his side, hand raising to play with my white hair, reminiscent of the times I’d sit reading in his underground room and he’d do the same.

“You’ve been… odd, since I came back.” His voice was soft, like it was when he’d comfort me, but I could hear the confusion and hurt underneath, deliberately avoiding meeting his eyes even as his fingers ticked my scalp. He didn’t ask if something was wrong, but I knew he was wondering it, doubting my feelings for him. They were as strong as ever, but I was too afraid to let him get close to me, we hadn’t even kissed properly since he got back.

“I wasn’t sure you’d stay this time.”

His hand stilled in my hair, before withdrawing to rest between us uselessly, I missed it already. “I told you, I’m not leaving you again. I’m staying.”

“I know, but I had to wait four years. Four years, Nezumi! Do you have any idea how much I missed you?”

He practically bristled with indignation, moving to sit up even as I slid to the edge of the bed, planning to leave for a walk, I needed some space to clear my head. “I missed you too, every day. I wanted to come back, so many times. But I needed to think, it wouldn’t have been fair for me to come back the way I was. I couldn’t have given you what you wanted.”

I stood up, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I didn’t want to make him feel guilty for leaving when deep inside I knew it was what we’d both needed. I hadn’t handled it well though.

But he grabbed my sleeve, sick of me walking away from him, not like he’d done it to me enough times. I pulled away, the tearing of my sleeve loud in the room, Nezumi left holding it and blinking at it with some confusion.

Bile rose in my throat instantly, my arm was out and the breeze from the window beyond washed over my scars, white and flat but still obvious to anyone looking closely. Silence fell, I knew he’d seen, there was no point hiding it now, and running wouldn’t solve anything. Instead I sat on the bed heavily, finally stripping off my t-shirt to show the other arm too.

“Shion…” His voice wavered as he spoke, only scar he was used to seeing on my body the red snake, which was as vibrant as ever. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t want to forget you.” It seemed stupid now, how could I ever have forgotten him? The marks on my body served their purpose well enough, but how did I ever think I could have forgotten the man I love? “I thought, I thought I did something wrong to make you leave. I thought it would make it better.”

I didn’t look up, letting the silence wash over me, stiffening when a finger brushed along the marred skin, noticing it was trembling and looking up. Nezumi’s eyes were full of tears, and as he swallowed they escaped to trail down his face like the blood had down my body.

“You always told me not to cry for other people.” It seemed almost ironic that he was crying over me now, his cold words of back then dissolved by my stupid actions.

“I never should have left you. Four years, wasted.” Nezumi had been fairly silent with what he’d been doing these last years, but now it seemed it was all pouring out. “I was young, and stupid. I was scared of you. You were so… Certain of what you felt. I didn’t understand how you could be like that, how easily you’d let me in. I needed time to think but the further away I got the more I realised I was making a mistake. But I tried to get better, to think more like you, to think of others.”

Shion didn’t respond, his arm twitched under Nezumi’s fingers and the mood broke.

“Are there more?”

A nod, the rustle of material, sweatpants hitting the ground.

A hug, arms tight and eyes wet, apologies whispered into a pale ear over and over til they weren’t words anymore. Kisses, nose, cheek, forehead, arms, knee, thigh.

A smile, small and nervous, another apology. A flick to the forehead and a promise not to do anything so stupid ever again.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Shion didn’t answer, he wasn’t sure why. “Did you think I’d be angry?”

“Yeah, I guess. Or disappointed.”

“And you’ve been worried about it all this time.” It wasn’t a question and Nezumi shook his head even as he smiled, nudging Shion’s nose with his own. “Airhead.”

A kiss, soft and careful. Matching smiles.


End file.
